Some mock-ups I did for the Gateways poster from before.

When Facebook made its inevitable switch to Timeline, I decided to take advantage of all the new real estate by making some Facebook cover photos for our page.

(published in the January 12, 2010 issue of The Runner: The “Decade” Issue, p.9)

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[Please note that this article is meant to be satirical in nature and is not meant to bash, defame or be taken very seriously)

Many of us have probably had fantasies of walking down the aisle with <insert actor here>, being in bed with <insert actress here>, or better yet: becoming the idol of everyone’s dreams. In short, becoming an actor.

Now you may ask, how do I become an actor? Holly/Bolly/Carla/Candywood is a cut-throat world: it takes some chutzpah to get noticed, let alone land a substantial role (and not just be credited as “extra wearing chicken suit” every time).

One word my friend: Television.

The aptly named “small screen” is where known celebrities such as George Clooney and Pierce Brosnan honed their craft before making the leap into big-budget movies (ER and Remmington Steele respectively). But if one’s thirst for fame is truly insatiable, there are ways to bypass the system and see those dreams of television infamy pan out for the better. With that, here are The Runner’s 5 Tips on Becoming A Instant Celebrity on the Boob Tube.

1) It’s a numbers game (aka. Have as many offspring as humanly possible).
Like real-life politics, the world of reality television is a numbers game (and no, I’m not referring to the ratings). A family-oriented reality TV show is never complete without children, that much is true. These days, the larger your brood grows the better - but try not to let the children steal the spotlight! Divorce your spouse on national television if you must, the children are only an means to an end…an end which sees you off ten times richer! Because honestly, do we all watch “Jon & Kate + 8” solely because of Jon and Kate? Having lots of offspring also ensures the continuity of your reality TV career (and the family bloodline, should your spawn choose to pursue the same career path).

When choosing the right number of brood to have, always go for the extremes - and for heaven’s sake don’t just settle for two or three children. Rule of thumb: The more the merrier…or should we say wealthier?

2) Be Extreme.
Jump off a plane, be with your plastic surgeon 24/7, bite off the head of a bat if you have to. The world of reality TV knows no bounds - heck, the sky doesn’t even exist! Go eat bull’s gonads, steal your co-star’s boyfriend, do what you’ve always wanted to do! Just be ridiculously outlandish and publicize your intentions before committing to your activity of choice, because nobody wants to be branded a whitewashed reality TV star - it’s a welcome invitation to the so-called “Z-list”.

Suggested activities: Go on a partying frenzy and allow paparazzi to follow you around, spend the day practicing your “smize” so that you won’t embarrass yourself in front of the judge’s panel, wear a skimpy bikini to the next singing auditions you do, eat that maggot/worm/larvae burger you’ve been dying to have.

3) Size Matters.
Small, tall, morbidly obese, shockingly anorexic, people of all shapes and sizes are welcome to participate in the world’s largest freak show! Reality TV is know for showcasing the best and worst of human society, so why not be a part of it? If you are a 600-pound man seeking a date, let a matchmaker hook you up with a lady friend (and a show). Show no inhibitions, be fearless! Display those voluptuous curves and love-handles for everyone to see; throw all caution to the wind and eat that Double Triple Quarter Pound Big Mac - anything that celebrates your shape (or lack of) is good enough for TV!

4) Seek Help.
Appetite for sexual pleasures getting out of hand? Call Dr.Drew! Need to shed some 200 pounds? It’s Jillian and Bob to the rescue! Need to quit smoking cold turkey in front of thousands of people? Turn to the magic of television and sell your story to producers and directors willing to cash in on your sob-worthy story. Watch as thousands of people witness your bitter struggle to “reinvent yourself” unfold on national television. Let all your emotions out - this is the only environment where crying is unsanctioned and drama is welcome. Need to settle a bitter spat between your spouse as well as subsequent custody of your 8 children? The boob tube is the best place to do it!

5) Get a cool nickname/pseudonym.
Your pseudonym is your identity, your brand, what most tabloids and magazines will use when reporting about your drunk escapades around town. This same name will be essential in helping viewers identify you on the streets (and possibly throw expletives at you). Like any nickname it must be short but sweet, as you only have the attention of your audience for a scant few seconds before they switch the channel. Likewise, your pseudonym must also be an accurate reflection of what actually catapulted you to instant stardom. Case in point: Octomom. Nadya Suleiman catapulted herself to minor TV stardom by giving birth to 8 children in addition to the six she already had previously - hence the name Octomom. If you have a significant other, an amalgamation of your names is also acceptable and is often the best way to go (i.e. “Speidi” for Spencer and Heidi Pratt).

(disclaimer: The Runner does not sanction any of this advice. We are not responsible for any subsequent bouts of misery should you choose to follow the road to TV stardom outlined here.)

(Published in the February 2011 issue of The Cavalier)

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Superbowl XLV. Most companies would die to have their advertisements shown during what is arguably the most-watched event on American television. Of course FOX (the station airing the Superbowl this year) screens hundreds of proposals from various companies and organizations wanting to take advantage of this marketing free-for-all. For most, they just don’t make the cut. In past years, ads from PETA and gay rights groups have been rejected for “controversial content.”

Enter Avid Life Inc., the company responsible for infidelity dating website AshleyMadison.com. The Toronto-based business, which had their IPO jilted by worried Bay Street investors, had its proposal to air an Ashley Madison commercial during the Superbowl shot down by FOX. The Toronto Transportation Commission also rejected a bid by the company to plaster Ashley Madison ads on the side of streetcars.

So where does that leave the company? Clearly a dating website touting infidelity goes against the moral compass of most people. But so do a whole host of other things like drugs, prostitution, gambling, money laundering, corruption, theft, and so on. Is Avid Life Inc. treading on rocky ground for making money off people’s spousal problems? Are they morally corrupt for exploiting a market that preys on the unfaithful? If one is willing to pay for an affair, should there be a market for it?

Yes, yes and yes.

Before you cry foul and throw your copy of the Cavalier at me, let me acknowledge that in general, affairs are a big no-no – especially if they cause the break-up of families. Divorce is possibly the ugliest thing one can expect a child to go through and it has ramifications that can often affect a person beyond their teenage years. It can change family dynamics completely, turn a child’s life upside down, and most importantly, destroy people’s lives.

However, there are far worse things than extramarital affairs. Why can’t other questionable industries such as the tobacco industry or the gambling industry be held to the same moral standards thrown at Ashley Madison? At the heart of it, the gambling industry preys on people down on their luck who have a couple thousand dollars they may or may not be able to afford to spend, hoping they’ll lose all their money at the blackjack table before heading back to the bar to drink more booze.

This also extends to the billion-dollar adult entertainment industry – should they also be faulted for catering to a market of sexual enthusiasts? Such “sinful ventures” earn what they do simply because they cater to a niche market that is willing to pay for such services. In essence, they’re no different from Apple and its hordes of affectionately-called Macheads who patronize Steve Jobs and everything he touches. Both serve a very specific group of people. Both make a lot of money. Both have successfully converted regular consumers into advocates of their brand. Most importantly, they cater to their consumers’ needs. Sinful ventures simply satiate needs and wants of a different kind – but those are still needs and wants nonetheless.

The underlying issue with Ashley Madison is that they are surviving off the misfortune of others. But can’t the same be said for pharmaceutical companies who make money off the sick and needy? If people are so concerned with the ethical behaviour of Noel Biderman and his rag-tag bunch of executives, they should look at the folks behind PETA who have been known to use smear campaigning to great effect, or Nike, a company that has been targeted with allegations of employing sweatshop labour.

People are already making money off the misfortune of others (questionable ethics in hand), so why should Avid Life be singled out? Also, in Avid Life’s defence, it isn’t the first company to invest in indecency (and profit from it) – FOX, for example, airs shows with far more questionable content than what Ashley Madison is espousing. Ever hear of Jerry Springer? Hard as it is, we can’t deny the ugly side of human nature. It exists. We can turn a blind eye towards it, but it doesn’t change the fact that it exists.

Just because such a service exists doesn’t mean unhappy men will immediately take advantage of the website. Phrased differently, the existence of alcohol doesn’t cause depressed men and women to rush out to the nearest bar to drown their sorrows. The ultimate decision lies with the consumer and whether he is willing to stray away from what is socially acceptable in order to satisfy his needs and wants. As for Ashley Madison? Please let them be. If we have the time to get all riled up about an infidelity dating website instead of worrying about things like voter turnout and the recession, then clearly our own priorities are in the wrong place.

//official Tabasco website

Hot sauce. Liquid fire. Dynamite. Call it what you want but it doesn’t change what this nefarious condiment can do to the uninitiated. It has the power to reduce even the burliest men into sniveling children. It can elicit everything from hacking coughs to watery eyes and yet we all can’t help but splash the precious liquid gold on pretty much everything.

A plant as humble as the chili pepper can create a myriad of condiments and sauces, with each varying by country and even region. The following list may not be representative of what the whole world has to offer in terms of “fire power” but I hope it persuades you to sample some of the more exotic hot sauces:

Tabasco

Tabasco isn’t exactly the most exotic of finds but nevertheless deserves a mention. Tabasco belongs to the class of hot sauces primarily made with vinegar, salt and chili peppers. Aged in oak barrels for up to 30 years, or so the bottle says, the red pepper slurry is mixed with some distilled vinegar then filtered to get rid of the larger pepper chunks that might remain. The famed sauce is also the perfect thing to add some flavour to your next barbecue. Why? Chances are if you’re using either store-bought barbecue sauce or the real deal, it probably has vinegar in it to give it that tang that makes us hungry like wolves. A few drops of a vinegar-based hot sauce of choice into your BBQ mix will liven up any “grilled grey steak” and “hockey puck of beef”

Shichimi

You may have already seen Shichimi at a Japanese restaurant, either in their original bottles or in these small lacquered containers that include a long thin scoop to keep every one’s grubby paws out. Shichimi tograshi is a mixture consisting of mainly crushed red peppers, Sichuan peppers, orange peel, white and black sesame seeds, and the occasional addition
of seaweed, hemp seeds and ground ginger. “Orange peel?” you might ask. Yes, and it is probably this lone ingredient that gives Shichimi its distinctive flavour.

Sambal

Sambal is an umbrella term referring to a family of chili-based sauces prevalent in South East Asian cuisine. The one thing that really unifies these sauces, if anything, is that the chilis are ground fresh as opposed to being fermented. Anything from lime juice to fermented shrimp to garlic is added and the addition of an ingredient or two can easily make the difference between any two sambals. The more common sambal you’ll see at your local Asian grocery is either sambal oelek (the one with the rooster) or sambal belacan, which is chili peppers made more interesting with toasted shrimp paste. Either of the two are a good addition to your next stir-fry or as an all– around condiment.

(published in the March 18, 2010 issue of The Kwantlen Runner: The Non-Issue Issue, p.10)

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To all you religious practitioners out there, let me ask you one thing: when was the last time you touched your own faith, even with a ten-foot pole?

For many, the concept of having a “religion” is slowly becoming just as outdated as the Slinky and VHS. This new day and age have given rise to a myriad of personal and philosophical beliefs, many of which have faith taking a back seat. And who can blame them? There was once a time where going to your house of worship meant spending long hours listening to old men drone on about sacred scriptures written by a select few many eons ago. Add religious extremists to the mix and you can see why many people these days are turned off by the thought of subscribing or affiliating themselves with a particular denomination.

Man has seen centuries gone by without much of a change in the field of all things theological. Many faiths are still very much constrained by tradition, unwilling to bend to the rushing tides of change for fear of losing the religion’s true essence. “Too many concessions have been made to make the faith more accessible” they say. Or, “we are losing sight of what to really believe in”. Teachings and scriptures are being watered down so much that they lose their true meaning, nobody celebrates the true spirit of Christmas anymore, all these crazy sects are starting to accept members of the third sex into their clergy…it’s almost like Girls Gone Wild (hold the bikinis please). Should we be worried that all this New Age fluff is going to triumph over solid belief in a deity? As we go forward as a civilization are we conceding too much to the forces of change? Is secularization a dastardly thing?

To all of that I say: Why the fuss?

If anything, they should be glad that once again, people are starting to dabble in things they once considered boring. Thanks to innovators across all denominations, religion as a whole has become more accessible and more “people-friendly” – it’s not just something your Nana imposed on you anymore. As the faiths are starting to relate scriptures to more contemporary issues (and in the process, making the faith itself more relevant), followers who once took to the sidelines are rekindling their belief in a higher entity. Modern renditions of religious concepts are now enriching, not diluting, the experience. Rapping monks like MC Happiness (who raps Buddhist sutras in Tokyo) are allowing the true core of religious life to touch the lives of young and old people alike. The statue of Jesus wearing modern-day clothing outside a church in East Sussex is an example of how we can see Christ even in this new day and age. There are many more examples, but this just goes to show you that it’s hip to be holy as it is hip to be square – and that isn’t such a bad thing at all.

Poster I did for Gateways, UBCMA’s signature event. 

Business card design for a friend. He wanted something more professional, with a darker colour palate.

Business card design I did for myself. The consequences of procrastination are rather unfortunate but I’m happy with how these turned out. :D

A vertical display banner design for the UBC BizTech Network. I made it in a similar style to the CUS Yearbook one, except this is in a nice royal purple.